My Life in Words


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Sunday, February 22, 2004

Thinking of my heart, in my mind, in my soul...

Song of the moment: Norah Jones - Don't Know Why

Just caught onto the Norah Jones craze...though a little late it seems. Very smooth voice with a nice...tight edge to it. I like it a lot.

I've just read Shelter's blog. And, yes...I am laughing...and I can't stop. Alright, just kidding. It just seems...amusing to me to see someone writing about me like that. Indeed, I am a very frank person, well...for now at least. A few of my classmates already now about my blog. Everything I write here, my classmates and friends know bits and pieces of it...all I am doing is just piecing it together.
I was never ever the confident person you say I am. In school, I just bumble around and try to mix with my new-found friends. All I am doing is just adapting to the environment, surviving it the best I can.
Courage...none of the things I did were courageous. All I was doing was the least I could have done under those circumstances. I just don't want a repeat of the past. I still constantly blame myself over things which I should have done but didn't.

Fun-O-Rama was moderately enjoyable I guess. Probably because I just felt a little out of place. Yes, Yap Xiong was there, so was JY, John, Squid, Mel, KK and many others. Still, I am starting to lose that sense of...connection to ACS. Honestly, the main reason I went there was just to meet up with old friends, not to support my former school (or at least, family of schools). All of us(JY, John, YX, Squid and myself) had a good talk with each other. We discussed about how we were holding up in our individual schools, about relationships and most importantly, about ourselves, how we have changed the past two years. Admittedly, I really missed them. We should all meet up sometime and maybe go watch a movie or something. To relive the times we had together at ACS(BR).

I guess I am not going to write your testimonial today, Shelter. I do have an early day tomorrow and I guess I really need some rest. To end, all I am going to say is that the story of our lives is still in its early stages. Enjoy it while you can...but remember each chapter has an end. Talk to her...

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Happiness can only be created by your own hands...only you can make your hopes and dreams become reality.

Song of the moment: Day-Break - Cross My Heart (Ayashi No Ceres 2nd ED)

Without experiencing the pains of life, one can never appreciate the joys of living...
When you're sad, let me be your shoulder to cry on...when you're happy, let me be the one you share your joy with...when you're down, let me be the one to make you smile...

Its only now then I realize how much the past eight months in Nanyang Polytechnic have changed my emotional state and my outlook towards life. Meeting new friends, experiencing new things...and...falling in love, I guess.

Having been in a Boys' School for ten years, it was a rather big surprise for me to be thrown into a mixed environment. Meeting girls whom you'll spend the next three years with was to me a...interesting experience. I wouldn't say that I didn't 'size-up' the girls in my class, see who I could be friends with, who could be girlfriend material...etc. Because, fact is, I did, in the beginning at least. Had you told me at that time that I would develop feelings for 'Her', I would not have believed it...probably.

Then, I remember the first time we went out as a class proper (the Keting organised trip to watch "Twins Effect" not counting). It was a trip to East Coast to eat steamboat. We were celebrating both SJ's and my birthdays. It was great fun...that was also when I found out that Wallz was a dedicated gamer (^_^).
I also remember my first karaoke session with them at Cuppage Road. The very first time I sang karaoke, of all songs, I choose "Fly Me To The Moon"...looking back, I realize it was not a very good song to sing...especially when you're a guy.

Of course, there's also...the time when I started liking her. Moo was there too. I wanted to go to Toa Payoh's branch of Tenchi Comics to buy a couple of manga. It was on the train trip there. Although I don't remember what exactly we were talking about, but I remember how much it hurt when she punched my shoulder and how beautiful her smile was when she was laughing. It probably will be one of those things which I'll find it hard to forget.

Sometimes, I still wish things never changed...that I was still studying with the old gang, YX, Darryl, Bao Loon, Joseph, even Kelvin. Though they lead different lives from me now, we are still united together, in one way or another...mainly, of course, because of friendship. Still, we all moved on with our lives, made new friends, the like. Never be like the child who keeps looking back at the place he just left, and miss the beautiful sunrise in front of us...

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Friends are friends forever...

Song of the moment: Beatles - While my Guitar gently weeps

There are times in life when you truly appreciate your own way of life. It was one of those days today. No heavy burden weighing down in my heart. Just a simple, relaxed Sunday.
I was earlier than usual for Church today (Service starts at 0930, arrived at 0935. My usual time would be 0945 or later...:-P). Can't make it a habit of being late can I? It was one of those post Valentine's Day 'Celebrations' in Church today. You know those kind of delayed gift exchanges today. Of course, I didn't get anything as usual (Eunice once again targeting the older/army guys again...but seriously, when is she going to grow up and realize that she is too 'noisy' for her own good?). Melvin seemed to be in a good mood again. This was further enhanced when he found out that KK made it to Church today. Another brilliant chance for them to talk about Sports and other whatnot. Daniel seemed to be a bit...I don't know...weird today. Didn't annoy Melvin or Cari-ann as much in Sunday class today, then he started some kind of let's all buy Fun-O-Rama tickets from Su Ai to help her reach her minimum $400. I really am not used to such unselfish behavior from Daniel. Not that he's selfish but...he's just weird today. Maybe he encountered some kind of life-changing experience the past week? Only he knows...

On the way to our usual Sunday makan place (Orchard Rd), I found out that both KK(CJC) and Mel(NYP) had the same Track coach. From what I've heard, he sounds like some kind of happy go lucky yet sadistic coach. Could be one of the reasons why Mel wants to switch to Dragon Boat. Well, good luck to him...
Anyways, thanks to today's trip to town for lunch, I enjoyed a satisfying bowl of tuna & bacon pasta and a cool drink of Ice Lemon Tea at Pasta Mania in exchange for about all the remaining notes in my wallet. Reasonable exchange don't you think?

Met the ju-nana shounen gumi (17yr old young guys group in japanese) at Bishan. Kris in a good mood today it seems, most probably due to Man U's win (Despite being 1 man down of course) against Man City in their FA Cup derby match. Nowadays, I am starting to find soccer a little...uninspirational. With Liverpool nowhere near being title contenders and having to fight(again...) for 4th spot, nothing is inspiring me to watch them play nowadays(Well, I still do watch them play...for the first half...while channel surfing...). Moo brought along a guest, a female by the name of Amanda...(maybe its the girl that Moo keeps SMSing?) Nice person, kind of anime obsessed like me (though not to my extent...I think). She and Moo seems quite close. And as Kris says, just take out the 'xing' in "nu xing peng you" (female friend) and you get a "nu peng you" (Girlfirend). We kind of "chiong"-ed our project. In other words, copy-paste of websites. Did kind of a decent job. I mean, afterall, its only a draft.

Really enjoyed myself today. No worries at all... For today, I just forgot that I am a somewhat-slacker of a Poly student who has a German Language quiz tomorrow and will be in deep trouble if he doesn't start studying for it.

Guess I should start studying, huh?

Friday, February 13, 2004

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me, shine on until tomorrow, let it be.

Song of the moment: Enrique Iglesias - Hero, Beatles - Let it Be

Peace has come. My heart is no longer filled with anxiousness or worry. But...
But is this really the peace I seek? Is this really the eternal calm?
The answers I do not know, only time will tell...

Well, its all done and over with. I have passed her the gift and she gracefully accepted it. As wallz usually says "GG" (Good game). However, after I passed her the present, I somehow felt a little unfufilled, this business still feeling a bit unfinished. Perhaps, because things did not go as I wanted. It was supposed to be after class in campus, I was supposed to confess my feelings to her in private after that...and she was supposed to say that she didn't have any feelings for me romantically. Then we were supposed to agree that we should stay as friends.
Of course, nothing goes according to plan.
As I said previous post, she wasn't planning to come to school today and obviously she didn't. This thoroughly messed the majority of my plans. So I switched to Plan B. I tried to arrange a meeting between the two of us during her lunch break. She then asked me to meet her at her work place, which of course I agreed without question. Then Moo, who agreed to follow me earlier in the morning changed his mind and left with a few of his other friends. So, Kris, Gary, Keting, Serena and her sister decided to join in the fun to give me moral support. At Taka, the girls graciously went somewhere else to buy their own Valentine's Day gift, the guys of course stayed on to watch the show.
Now, I thank the lord that she was the only one in the stall, if there were others, I would probably have died from embarassment. Still, it being in public already raised the akwardness quotient by a couple of levels. I was kind of hoping that she was expecting a gift from me but from the look she gave me when I passed it to her, she obviously didn't expect it (at least I didn't think so...). So I was there, kind of babbling something about the gift having no special meaning etc... Not really one of my best moments, but I agree it could have been a lot worse. So in the end, no confession, only the simple babblings of a nervous guy in the middle of a shopping centre...which is good really, even if she doesn't like me, I sincerely hope that we can remain friends.
Now, enough about my love life...
SJ has fallen sick again...flu apparently. I think I am a little ill too, slight fever, sore throat and I think I am starting to have muscle aches (but of course that could be due to me using the computer keyboard a little too much ^_^). I'll pray for both of us before I turn in. Oh and before I forget, apparently I not the only one whos interested in someone...( what you put on the blog, shelter...). I sincerely hope that he has a better ending than me. He's a smart, frank and sometimes caring person. He deserves a happy ending...just like all of us.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Yesterday our troubles seemed so far away...

Song of the moment: Beatles - Yesterday

Tomorrow is the day. For the past month, I have waited in anticipation for the day to come. However, my plans will have to change, as she will not be coming to school tomorrow. This makes my confession a lot harder as I will have to meet her in a public location. Chances are, I'll just pass her the gift and leave. Not only that, I think she probably knows about my feelings. Hopefully things will go well...

Today was in a sense alright. Its good to see that SJ has recovered from his allergy and Jon from his bruised knee. However, Jonathan just didn't seem to be in much of a mood today (Didn't do too many "Finger Rolls" today.). Really like to see him back to normal. Kris is still his usual wise-cracking self. Gary, not suprisingly skipped class today, overslept apparently (As usual ^_^). Today was also the start of NYP's Open house. Saw a couple of former schoolmates on the way to school. No news yet from Aki, who said he'll come. Didn't see Olivia either, not that I've seen her before anyway. Its unlikely she'll come as she lives in Tampines if I am correct. As we were watching Raizan's performance at the atrium, I noticed that Paey Ren is really warming up to SJ. Its a great sign really, SJ is one of those people in my class whom really deserves to find a girlfriend. But when it comes to project work, its kind of a 'disaster' of sorts. As I have told him repeatedly, I don't really mind that he goes to woo Paey Ren but its starting to interfere with our Project work (Our semestral project is still in the middle of nowhere as none of our ideas have been accepted by the lecturer).
Today's worst moment really was when Moo confirmed that she wasn't coming to school tomorrow. I nearly screamed in frustration right there and then. Looks like tomorrow afternoon or Saturday will be the time I make my move.

About Moo, I wouldn't deny that there were times when I was jealous about his relationship with her. Its probably an undeniable fact that she warms up to him especially well compared to the rest of us. At times, I just stand there and seethe in jealousy. I did ask him a couple of times about their relationship. He has continually maintained that he has never had any romantic feelings for her and only treats her as a friend. Sometimes, I look at them and I wonder whether what he says is true. However, he is my friend. True Friends are there to be trusted, to help, and to share your problems with.

What I am doing tomorrow is something I shouldn't do. As a Christian, I should never date non-Christians, whatever their age or race. However, despite it all...I have gone too far...all I can do is make sure I don't go too far out and...pray.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

I will stay true always...whatever the situation, whatever the cost...

Song of the moment: Ayashi no Ceres - Scarlet (Piano solo)

I find myself trapped, confined by my own emotions. I hang on to your every word and have the ability to control my every move, my everyday mood. As I struggle against it, I find myself losing control, my shell breaking apart. Is it fate?

Finally, I have purchased it. In the end, I decided on a pair of earrings with a kind of translucent stone at the end. Although it wasn't what I had in mind, I sincerely hope that it is able to convey my feelings effectively. Yes, she probably won't accept my feelings or even worse, she may not even accept my gift but its a chance I'll have to take. As I said previous post, I refuse to make the same mistake as the last time. Still, it was a nice day I guess. She and I had one of those decent conversations, even though it was concerning class was a conversation nonetheless.
As it turned out, not only did SJ come along, so did Jon, Gary and Kris. It was at times like this where I could feel the kind of camaraderie I missed ever since leaving Barker. Jon was cheerful as usual, doing his usual 'Finger rolls' and spouting sometimes very 'Shen ao' comments, Kris was...well, I guess he really needs to find that special someone, Gary was being...well Gary. Even though I feel left out at times, when everybody seems to be in a world of their own, I feel that meeting friends like them is one of the high points in my life. Even now, I still feel a little guilty about dragging them all the way out to Orchard without buying anything (I bought it at Bishan, before reaching home), despite them saying it was alright...
SJ had some kind of allergic reaction to some food yesterday and missed half of the day's classes. Still he made it for EF lab today. Its great to know that he's a very 'jiang yi qi' kind of person. I'll pray for his condition before turning in tonight. I had a nice talk about life with him in the taxi on the way home. I guess I was the one talking most of the time, complaining about being in a Boy's school for ten years blah blah...I really hope that his relationship with Paey Ren can develop though. He really deserves it.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

The Burden weighs heavily on my heart...All I can do is pray for a Miracle...

Its four days to Valentine's Day and three days to the day I make my move. I refuse to make the same mistake I did last time with Geraldine...I've got all to gain and nothing to lose. I know she'll probably reject me but from what I've learnt so far, its better to have her reject you than to pine for her and never know how she feels about you. Besides, as the Beatle's say, "Let it be..."
SJ will be following me to buy a gift, Jon and Gary might be following too. As I've said many times, I always felt that SJ is probably the most sane and reasonable guy in class. Its really good to have a friend like that, ever since leaving Barker. Before him, I've never had a friend I could talk to like Yap Xiong or Darryl. But with Darryl starting to conform to Society's Ideals and YX in ACJC its hard to find someone you can discuss your daily problems with. Thank God for giving me a friend like that, even though he might not be Christian...yet...^_^ Same with the rest, although I have not be so successful in convincing them to go to church, its good to see that they accept me as a Christian. Wallz's encouragement notwithstanding of course.

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