My Life in Words


University Student
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Struggling Christian




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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Moving on...but I keep looking back...

Song of the moment: Lifehouse - Sick Cycle Carousel

I never thought I'd end up here
I never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong
Now one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe I tried to beat this
Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse

Into my second week of attachment, and sadly, its still more copying and binding. One of the group supervisor's, Alex, keeps telling us that he has something for us to do but since he's still busy with the training, he hasn't assigned us anything yet. Still, I am starting to get used to life at NCS so it ain't that bad.

Last friday's CG was at SKMC. The trip just seemed incredibly long and tiring, due to the fact that I was having a bout of flu at that time. Then, met my mom for dinner at Compass Point. The 'ban mian' there was pretty good though the noodles lacked elasticity. Made the trip to church on taxi with mom, since her CG was also near church. Jia Wei was the only one from my cell who was already there so we and a couple of the other youths there made small talk while waiting for people to come. One thing I definitely gained from this session of cell is that I FINALLY have most of the CG members' handphone numbers, which to me is a great achievement (LOL! I really have a strange way of looking at things, huh?). This friday's cell will be a cell-out, which basically means CG outing to those uninitiated. No definite plan as to what we'll be doing yet but Keith seemed interested in my 'watch a movie in church' idea so let's see how that goes.

I am finally at Chapter 8 of the Half-Blood Prince. Horace Slughorn has just been announced as Potion's Master and Snape has finally got what he always wanted, the post as Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. This essentially means more tough times for the threesome. Of course, due to some freak accident, I accidentally found out about this and a whole lot of other spoilers (including the most anticipated one, which major character dies in this book?) before hand thanks to a stupid article in the previous issue of TIME magazine. Damm it! Well, what's done can't be undone, unless I've got a Time-turner or something. Just have to remember, it's not the result which is exciting, it's always the process.

I feel so tired and weary of it all. I am moving on...but I keep looking back, hoping for something that probably won't happen. Everytime I look back, all I see is you doing the same, thinking of him. I am sick of this, feeling this way all the time. Let me move on... If one day you ever decide to forget about him and move on, just know that I'll always be there for you, no matter what.

PS: 11 days and counting down...need ideas, fast!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

It begins...

Song of the moment: Aerosmith - Cryin'

'Cause what you got inside
Ain't where your love should stay
Yeah, our love, sweet love, ain't love
'Till you give your heart away

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin to forget you
Love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' just to let you
Do what you do what you do down to me, baby, baby, baby
Cryin by Aerosmith

At last, my Final Year Project has been completed, SEALED and DELIVERED! Thus, having completed my FYP, its time for us project students to start on our IAP (Industrial Attachment Programme) a.k.a Internship a.k.a cheap labour. I've been assigned to National Computer Systems Private Limited, just a very long stone's throw away from NYP. I'll elaborate on my experience for the first 3 days a little later.

Friday's CG was, as usual, normal SKMC CG. With all the wedgie-ing and lame jokes, I absolutely wasn't fazed by it. Except maybe for a little while, when someone switched off the living room lights and brought out a birthday cake for Keith. I did remember Keith or someone else mentioning the event the previous cell but it somehow slipped my mind. Apparently, it was arranged my Sandar, who, not surprisingly, never did inform me of anything because she doesn't have my HP number, not that anyone in the CG other than Keith has my number anyway. Gee, don't I sound so absolutely anti-social? I was, of course, prepared for this. I did think about hanging out with the youths and all but it just feels weird, hanging out with people who seem to know me better than I know them even though we've met each other just a couple months back.
Admittedly, I am not the kind to approach people or trigger a conversation. If you've known me for less than 1-2 months, you'll find me a horrible conversationalist, since I don't talk much. I know its probably one of the aspects of my behavior I should change but I do try. My initial estimate of myself needing about 3 months to adjust to SKMC life is about to go down the drain. I thought it'll be the same as when I got into NYP but I failed to take into account that I only meet them at least twice a week, once at CG and the other in Church on Sunday unlike school, where I meet my classmates nearly everyday. I am NOT totally anti-social, I've got this blog for the general public to gawk at and I do talk to the younger youths like Joel and Lester, though because sometimes they hang out at my house with my brother, who is their Junior, and are graduates of my mom's Children Ministry. Then, some of the HKMC people might ask, 'If it's tough adjusting, why did you move in the first place?'. I moved back to HKMC when my family first left Hakka. Ever since then, I've always felt a sort of 'Spiritual' distance from my family. It was in my best interest for me to move to SKMC. We all need a little time adjusting, maybe for me, its just a little longer than others.

Last Saturday was the ACJS Nomad carnival, which my brother was involved in. It was rather interesting, with all the horribly over-priced food, activities and all. My brother also played a part in his class play (Thankfully non-speaking...LOL). I've got a couple pictures from that performance. If anyone is remotely interested, I might post them up. I also spotted my old Primary Six form teacher, Madam Tan, who unfortunately, didn't spot me. Anything gained from the carnival? Sadly, none. However, I did see a couple of cute girls, whom I am confident are at least 15 or 16. Maybe, as Jon always says, future investment? Honestly though, I don't believe in 'future investments'. For me, its always alright to start out as friends but I'll never befriend a girl just for the sake of obtaining a potential future girlfriend.

Anyway, more importantly, it was also 16th July 2005. As all non-muggles know, 16th July 2005 = Release date for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince!! Me, being the clever one (although there are those who dispute that statement), decided to order the book from SingPost. Why brave the crowd at the bookstores and have a 1 over 100000 chance of winning some personally autographed copies of the book (of course, if you were to give one to me, I definitely wouldn't mind) when you can sit down and relax, have a coffee (or go to a school carnival, in my case) and have it personally delivered to your house on that very morning? Sometimes, you kids have to think properly about your choices, you know...
Read first 2 chapters already, looks great. I'll elaborate more in the coming weeks as I read further.

Finally, back to the main topic, Attachment. First 3 days so far is alright. Mainly just settling down and getting an idea of the project that we'll be working on (It's something for the Singapore Police Force and I can't mention it due to some confidentiality agreement I've signed with the company and the Singapore Government). We also made full use of their recreational facilities there, which includes an arcade room, 2 pool tables (I am saved!!!), a couple of carrom tables, 2 ping pong tables and an in-house gym (^_^). For the past two days, it was mostly printing and binding of training materials for the project which has dominated our workload for the past two days. However, according to one of our group head's, we can look forward to some programming, SQL and JSP soon. Wish me luck people!

You've always deserved more than he could ever give...probably more than I could ever give to, if I ever had a chance. Move on...and maybe you'll find someone who could give you the answers you are looking for.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

You are Everything

Song of the moment: Lifehouse - Everything

You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
any better than this yeah

You calm the storms and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands you won't let me fall
You still my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Take me deeper now
Everything by Lifehouse

Final Year Project is finally COMPLETE!! At least for the Powerpoint presentation slides and the actual program anyway. There's of course still that minor problem called the report...
Anyway, the project took me quite some time to figure out how to do the grading function but my preseverance has finally paid off. Thanks to everyone who helped and tried to help. I appreciate that you all took the time to look through my project. Also, I am very happy to have a project partner like MJ. Even though neither of us had a good impression of the other initially, we became friends, slacked and still managed to finish the project. Don't worry, we'll see each other again one day....LOL!

Had my first cell group in quite sometime at Keith's house. Honestly, I've been slacking in my relationship with God due to my project. Since my project is now nearing completion, I guess I should start making up for it, huh? The CG consists of Einstein, Sebastian, Andy, Jia Wei (? haha, not sure of your name, sorry.), Sandar, who happens to be Steven's sister(according to my Mom), Ming Kiat (ACS kia like myself...) and Daniel (I think? Wasn't present. Possibly the guy who's in ACS's Integrated Program?). Had a slight misunderstanding with Sandar initially though (I am 176-178cm call that short?? And do I really look old??), when she thought I was some weirdo when she first saw me outside Keith's house. Cell was enjoyable, in some ways more than others. Sebastian, Einstein, Ming Kiat and Jia Wei were trying to wedgie each other after cell and caused quite a bit of chaos. Managed to hitch a ride from Dad, who was fetching Mum from her cell and Pei Yu-jie to see Keith.

Then Sunday was also CAC Youth Sunday. After sermon (by Reverend Lek as usual...), the youth were supposed to go to East Coast for some semi-competitive bowling and lunch ordered from Kenny Rogers (drool...). However, I declined their offer, saying that I still had my project to do (I only finished the program yesterday...). Of course, that wasn't really the main reason. It was really because I CANNOT play bowling for nuts. I know that it was more for fun but I just couldn't bear to humiliate myself in front of ALL the SKMC youth in a bowling game. Don't worry, I'll join you all for future long as its NOT bowling.

I will find out where I am attached to tomorrow. Hopefully somewhere near my place and has an in-house gym (^_^). I am rather partial to NCS since it seems quite a alright place. But they apparently still owe SJ some cash for work he did for them after the 'O's...well, as long as its not in some ulu place with crap pay, where they make you work like slaves...

Recently, I've been feeling a measure of lost. I really miss HKMC. And perhaps, I kinda miss YOU too. Honestly, I still don't know if what I am doing is correct. I am just following the road which God is guiding me. He has a plan for us all and he definitely has one for you. Trust in him and live happy...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

PS: Just to clear things up...

I've had people asking me about my reasons for leaving HKMC so I guess its better to clear things up before you people start wildly speculating.
First off, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with any person or group in church. It didn't leave because I was on bad terms with someone, neither is it because of a relationship problem. I was and never will be that shallow to leave just because of any one person or group in Church. Although I may have said or done things which might have left a bad taste in certain people's mouths, but I sincerely hope that you'll forgive me for it.
No member of my family or SKMC forced me to move there. Except perhaps the occasional nagging from my mom (^_^).
Honestly, the main reason I left was probably because of family. On a personal level, I felt that it wasn't good for me to be worshipping in a different church from my family, especially in the long term.
In a sense, there are also more opportunities for me to serve in SKMC compared to HKMC due to the way things are run there. I know that different churches have different ways of doing things and so I am not criticizing either church in anyway at all.
Finally, I guess I needed a fresh start. I felt that I was starting to stagnate a little in HKMC and needed a change of environment. Many things have happened to me in and outside of church and perhaps, it was better for me to leave to further my spiritual and mental growth.

PS to CA: This is a story I heard from a long time ago. I can't really remember it word for word so I'll try my best to type it out.
One day, a father brought his young son to the city for a holiday. It was the boy's first time in the city and he was fascinated by the sounds, lights, the tall buildings and the people. However, it was soon late in the night and it was time for them to leave. As his father drove away from the city, the boy kept looking back at the fascinating city he just left, wondering when was he going to once again be amazed by the sights and sounds. When finally the city was out of sight, the boy turned back, sat down and complained to his father, "Now that the city is gone, all I will see is an endless stretch of road before we reach home..."
His father replied, "Had you just faced the front instead of looking back at the city, you would have seen a beautiful sunrise..."
Never look back at what is already lost and miss the beautiful sunrise in front of you. Live for yourself and never give up on your dreams.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

When you breathe, I want to be the air for you...

Song of the moment: Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You

Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you

I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you
I'll Be There For You by Bon Jovi

Just when I closed the door, when I thought I could move on, I heard your cries from behind the it too late to go back?

Quite a bit happened this week, so to make it a little easier on my mental capacity, I'll go in chronological order.
Starting from Friday, MJ and myself switched to a new lab in Block R from my original one in Block S. It was rather annoying, considering it's already the 'eleventh hour' for the project (currently, its my second to last week (Week 11) for my project). Also, I've got no internet connection there, so it's really boring. Moving however, is not without its advantages. There isn't any staff posted to my lab, which literally means free reign for us, at least until the lab supervisor comes for his daily check up of the labs. So usually, you'll see at least one person in the lab playing MP3s from the computer at low 'blast' and I'll report late as usual and continue slacking when I get there. Of course, I don't slack all the time. I am now doing the last (and sadly, most important) function of my drawing program, the grading system. I already got a sample out but it obviously didn't work so I'll continue to work on it, hopefully finishing it by tomorrow. Then, I'll be able to concentrate on my powerpoint presentation and report. Help in anyway would of course, be much appreciated.

Went to SKMC with my family last Sunday. First person I talked to there, was coincidentally, Keith, who was my group leader for 40 DOP and I would be joining his Cell and SS class from here on. The usual people would be there, like Sebastian and Andy (if I am right...), not so sure about the rest though. Guess I'll find out this Friday, huh? I'll also be trained to be one of their future Cell group leaders. I already knew about this since my mom gave me a heads up the previous week, telling me about what to expect when I go there. As I think I've already told Blond, I'll also be doing computer maintenance for D'Anchor Bay (their youth cafe...also open to public) when their public access computers come. One of the Bay people, Steven, apparently knows that I'll be helping them with the PCs (probably from Sally or my Mom) and was enthusiastically talking to me about it a few week ago. Ever since I went there, I've always been under the impression that they know me better than I know them, which really isn't surprising, considering my Mom's position in SKMC. Well, C'est La Vie!

Melvin also came to my house on Sunday night and stayed over last night just to do the video for the YEP trip to Thailand about 2 months back. Helped him a little, until I decided to hit the sack a little after 1am. Didn't manage to see the complete version (He left a copy on the comp, so I'll view it later...) as we were both kind of rushing out, me to school, him back home. At least we both managed to hitch a ride on my Dad's car.

I also had another celebrity not-so-close-up moment when FORMER Man United and current Real Madrid player, David Beckham came over to NYP to present an award for Outstanding Volunteer to a NYAA coordinator from Singapore Polytechnic. I can somehow still hear the incessant 'Marry me, BECKHAM!!' screams in my head if I try hard enough. I got pictures of Mr. Beckham, if you don't mind staring at the brilliant white dot on my handphone's tiny little screen (apologies, since I forgot to bring my digi cam). If you Beckham obsessed fans really want the picture, just give me a message and I'll send them over.

How can I smile when I know you're crying? How can I sleep when I know you're hurting inside? All because of HIM...
Even when I am not there, even if you don't look at me that way...When you breathe, I want to be the air for you...I'll be the water when you get thirsty...when you get drunk, I'll be the wine...I'll be there for you, remember that. Wherever or whenever you need me, I'll come.

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