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Friday, January 16, 2009

The most awesome piece of A4-sized paper ever!


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Thursday, January 01, 2009

Totally honest...

Song of the moment: Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard - A Watchful Guardian (The Dark Knight OST Special Edition)

School for me is just 4 days away, while for others like my brother for example, it starts tomorrow. Admittedly, I guess I can't say that I have any expectations for the coming year nor any particular resolution which I am passionate about. For someone in my position as Building Team Head in the youth ministry @ SKMC, life goes on as usual. I readily admit that even now, I still have doubts about my ability to lead the Building Team. I still think that there are many other more capable people in the ministry more suited to this than myself. While I certainly have no doubts that God has definitely called me to serve in the Building Team, the only doubts I have are about myself. All that I've done in the past few months has all been a step of faith, trusting that God will continue to mold me and lead me. Its "Faith" and not "feelings" that fuels and sustains our relationship with God. If I relied on my "feelings", I probably would have given it all up a long time ago. I guess my one resolution for this new year, if it can be considered as one, is to continue to have the faith to trust God, be it in my ministry in SKMC or in my own personal life.

The "countdown party" (or rather just a random excuse to go to his house to have fun and indulge in steamboat) at Moses's house was where I spent my New Year's Eve. Choosing the food for the steamboat was just made over-complicated by the many opinions of the different people there (namely, ZL, Angela, Ken, Moses and myself). I guess we did get "a little" too much food but at least it wasn't as bad as initially thought. Moses drove us back from Ten Mile to his flat where Sandar was already waiting. Amy, Ben, Josh, Mich Lee and Mich Goh joined us later for the actual steamboat. Essentially, the whole party was basically eating, drinking (non-alcoholic drinks) and playing random games like Mahjong and Settlers, with a movie interlude in-between (My own Dark Knight DVD). Tried to sleep to no avail, I was basically just lying there with my eyes closed, listening to the girls playing Mahjong. How Ken actually managed to even sleep is still a mystery to me. I guess I am still lacking a bit on the "Sleep anywhere and anytime" skill.

So was it worth my time? Well, I guess it was. I rarely participate in such events so I guess it was an opportunity for me to see my church clique in a different setting. While I certainly had fun with my friends, learning how to play settlers and also just that little bit more on Mahjong basics, with all the couples there, it also became a needless reminder of my current situation. That I am still a SALAD after nearly 22 years and that my relationship with Sandar will probably never go beyond a normal friendship. To say that me and Sandar were never meant to be would be an insult to our (many) mutual friends who supported my pursuit for her in the background. I guess both of us were probably just not ready for each other at this point of time. God definitely knows that this has been an issue that I have been passionately praying about. Am I angry at God for this? No, but I certainly feel frustrated. Looking at all the couples in the youth ministry doesn't exactly help but as I said before, its all about faith. If its not God's will, then so be it. On hindsight, I am kind of glad that I didn't properly confess to her, even though ZL and Andy were encouraging me too. Speaking to Moses and Jamie really helped a lot in making this decision. No point in saying or doing anything else when you already know the answer. It just makes you look desperate and the relationship will just become more awkward. Sandar, if you're reading this (though that is highly unlikely), I sincerely hope that I didn't embarrass you with my thoughts and feelings(not many people read this blog anyway...) and that we'll continue to remain good friends and colleagues in D'Anchor!

With the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009, life goes on and I'll still be praying that God will let me meet (or if we've already met, let me know who) that special someone is for me and if we're ready to go into any sort of relationship. And I certainly hope that you'll find a girlfriend before I do, ZY!

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